Sometimes I get very angry. Luckily, one of my coping mechanisms for academia anger is talking with my mother who is also an academic. So, if you see me in a parked car pretty animated … it’s probably a good idea to wait until I get out of the car. Best bet is to get me right as I am walking into the house … because I’m always pleasant for the first half hour before I talk about my day … and then about three hours later, I’m usually even-keeled again.
So, I am realizing my cycles of week day living are
Between 9:30 and 12am (preparation for tomorrow’s day and kind of jazzed about this work)
12am to 7am warm, warm, happy dream time
6:50 light from outside, i don’t wanna i don’t wanna … sleep for 10 more minutes, 8 more minutes, 5 more, goodness 1 more, I hate the alarm, might as well get up
7- 7:30, kiss matteo, smile smile warmth, start the water for tea, get ready, “what am I doing today?” quiet time
7:30 – 7:59 i should have left at 7:45 … but no need to rush, I still have 1.5 hours before I have to be anywhere
8-8:30 commute, try to find radio stations that aren’t playing the same 5 pop songs (miss Philly variety)
8:30-9: 30 prep for class or meetings; avoid disturbances. door shut. happily no people yet.
9:30 – 1pm teaching or meetings; things are generally going well … but occasionally in meetings (very rarely while teaching) I feel myself a nail hammered down for existing, for daring to speak or be. When that happens, I usually isolate myself for a while, debriefing with my core folk – family and close friends – because even when they can’t understand, they help me calm and understand why it is that I’m feeling what I’m feeling. They also make me laughed and re-energize me for the individual and collective work.
1-3/4/4:30/4:45 prep for class as student or teacher. tired. i don’t wanna i don’t wanna. few people. this is about when most of the “s#$! just got real” conversations happen. quick build up to anger and a wide range of feelings … but I suspend. gotta be student or teacher. get my knitting. calm down. concentrate on words, wisdom, caring, heart, not me not me, but me in relation to you and us together
3/4/4:30/4:45-7:15/6:30/8/8:30/9/9:30 (depends on the day) be present in the classroom space. sometimes sadness or anger slips in – I knit faster then, write in my little journal more – but mostly joy. learning is liberating when it’s good. and teaching is also learning.
commute home – look for variety in music. dictate to myself sometimes. i’m working on a piece of fiction and a long poem.
home – kiss matteo, reconnect with this man I love over food, tea, sweets, puzzles, and know that he will listen and care and we can not talk about the day sometimes and watch zombie/vampire/sci-fi/thriller/etc movies and shows or play records or talk about music and our garden and ease into the silence and calm of night and one another